Friday, April 2, 2010

...Keep Moving Forward

It seems as if everything can come crashing down in an instant. Things that affect the people around me have devastating consequences for not only them, but me and so many others. This week has been the most emotional week I've had in a long time.


It all started with issues with a friend. I have this issue with always feeling like I have to be perfect. Like it's my responsibility to make things work out correctly. I realized this week that I can't do all the work and that in any relationship it really does take two people. This young woman is a force in my life that holds me together. She is my crazy wacky side who keeps me smiling. Recently, however, we both seemed to be pulling away. Understandable on her part with the death of a close friend and understandable on my part with this whole Seasonal Affective Disorder. While I felt like things were good, I was wrong. I have recently learned that she has a jealousy bone in her when it comes to the relationship I have with another close friend. Granted, I apparently talk about her a lot, but I never knew that my being really close with someone else could cause rifts in our friendship.
Needless to say, as of yesterday we talked and hopefully things start to get better. I explained that I never meant to make her jealous and that I never meant to make her feel as if she weren't important. She is a beautiful, strong young woman who makes me a better person.


That however, was only one of the two things that rocked my world yesterday. I am an RA and my other good friend (the aboved mentioned young woman who caused my other friends jealousy) was as well. However, as of yesterday, she was fired from the position for reasons that are lengthy and not of importance here. This young woman is also a really good friend and is the one who keeps me grounded and sane. She is easy to talk to and always knows the right thing to say. Seeing her sitting in my room crying was difficult. This girl has a heart of gold and loves the girls on her floor in such a way that could never be measured. I felt as if a part of me was broken because this girl is like a sister to me in a way. Hell, with that red hair she could be!
She is my other half. Part of the A-Team. And while she may no longer be an RA, she will never be replaced in the hearts of those beautiful young women on her floor. The sad part about this whole ordeal is that she was fired on April Fool's Day and many still think it's a joke. I can tell you as one of her good friends, this is no joke. She is devastated and is hoping and praying that the girls will be okay without her being a constant presence on the floor.


To top that all off, many of the freshman girls have been speculating about who will be taking her place as the RA for the last 7 weeks of school and to many I am the front runner. This is a big fear for me. The young women on my floor are my family. Without them in my life constantly for these last 7 weeks of school, I don't think I could make it. I have no idea if the rumors are true. What I can say is that these young women could never be replaced in my heart the same way my friend can't be replaced in the hearts of the young women on her former floor.


The one good thing out of this is that for the first time in a long time I let myself cry without caring about control. Needless to say Tricia would be so proud. She has been telling me that I need to let myself feel. To let myself cry. That it would be good for me to not always be in control. I came a long way yesterday with constant crying for at least an hour or so. While I didn't like the feeling of not having my emotions under control, I can say that it actually does feel good to let it all out.


So what is the point of me telling you this?? Well, first I have to say that you don't always have to be in control. If things seem as if they are collapsing around you, just remember that you can cry. You can get emotional and you can talk to people around you. Even if relationships are being tried don't forget that these people are important and the only thing that matters is that you make it through and grow stronger.

A movie quote from Rocky Balboa sums it up perfectly:
"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers says you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!"

~Keep Moving Forward